“It seems to me like you’re doing the same thing over and over again,” my hubby says to me with a concerned look on his face.”
“It’s like you’re going round and round in circles but not really making any progress.We need to move forward and in order to do that you’ll have to stop second guessing yourself all the time and start believing that you can do this.”
We’ve only been married for six months and from what I gather so far, such honest and sometimes very uncomfortable conversations is what happy, long lasting marriages are made of. But I’m no marriage expert and this post is not about my marriage.
This post is about the seduction of starting over and your big but (not your butt, that one is just fine). Because it’s the new year and I don’t know about you but I just want to start over.
2016 didn’t quite turn out the way I had anticipated. I did and undid. I learned, unlearned and relearned a lot about life, womanhood, happiness, love and spirituality. I wished, craved, wanted and strived for more but more times than not, I got in my own way.
I’ve been ready for an opportunity to hit that reset button on my life for a while now. And what better time to do so than the beginning of a new year?
If you’re anything like me you’re probably ambitious, driven, hardworking and have big dreams for yourself. A big mission for your life. And you’ve probably written down your big bold goals for 2017.
Kudos to you because I’m excited for this new year and what is going to be birthed through you and through me. Trump is president, I guess a sign that we women need to stick together and start rising now more than ever.
And while 2016 didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to, it taught me one important lesson. Nothing kills a dream faster than self doubt.Hence that uncomfortable conversation with my hubby about the direction of my life and career and this blog post.
Is your but too big?
Self doubt is apparently a huge disease among women. It is when we say,
I want to make more money but I need to get another degree or certification first
I want to lose 10 lbs but I don’t know if I can do it
I want to start a blog but I don’t know what people will think about me
I want to start a business but I don’t have capital or time
I want this…...but……….
Whatever your 2017 goal is it’s time for us to have an honest conversation about your but. That thing that makes you second guess yourself every time and eventually makes you downsize your dreams or simply get confused, overwhelmed and stuck so that you don’t even take the first step to move forward.
As I set my goals for 2017, I knew that my hubby was right. I needed to stop going in cycles and just do whatever it is I wanted to do. I wanted to use my words to teach, inspire and get paid well. I wanted to start a blog that I am passionate about but kept having these big buts
What if I do it wrong?
What if I fail again?
What if nobody cares enough to read what I write?
What if I’m not a good writer?
What if it turns out to be a big waste of time?
What if I can’t make a living doing this?
These buts had me tossing and turning so many nights. It’s like they had kidnapped me, took away all the confidence I ever had and the only ransom they were asking for is that I didn’t dare try to move forward towards what I want or else I would die.
Die of failure. Die of making another terrible mistake that I would never be able to come back from. Die of embarrassing myself. Die of being unseen.Die of not pleasing everyone. Die of shame when people discover who I truly am when I share my story in a bigger way and put myself out there again.
So I remained stuck, confused and overwhelmed yet at the same time underwhelmed by life.I played small. Hid behind my computer. Avoided being seen at all costs.Tried to get low paying dead end jobs just to get by. And I got nowhere, because my but was too big.Bigger than the pain of not being true to myself and what I truly want.
But if you’re reading this, it means I’ve gotten my ish together. I’ve finally decided to accept my but just the way it is. And you know me (if you don’t, hi,I’m Priscilla. Nice to meet you). I’m not selfish so I’m going to tell you exactly what I did to finally stop second guessing myself and start believing in myself, my vision and my mission so I can move forward this year.
Doubt kills our dreams by kidnapping our confidence and deceiving us into believing that we are not enough just as we are.
It feeds off our insecurities and makes us think that we are unworthy.
But you are enough just the way you are. We all are. And to set ourselves free from the confidence kidnapper we’ve got to decide exactly what it is we want and stop at nothing until we get it.It’s as simple as that. A decision.
Decisions are powerful. They start everything. The energy of unmade decisions is what keeps us stuck and makes most people struggle with getting what they don’t want. You’ve got to know what you want. What you really want deep inside your heart.
Unfortunately most of us don’t even know what that is. For example, as I was doing research for this blog, I asked several young successful and ambitious women about what they truly wanted out of life and how I could best serve them.
Out of the 15 women I emailed, only 3 got back to me. And of the 3, only 1 was open with me about her struggles and what was keeping her from getting what she really wants out of life. I was annoyed at first, because I thought they didn’t like me or care enough about helping me out with my new project to even reply.
But everything isn’t always about me. So I stepped back for a minute and realized that the problem isn’t that these amazing, very capable women didn’t want to help me in my research, they just didn’t know what it is they want and if they do, they just didn’t feel comfortable asking for help to get it so instead they were going to have to think about it and try to figure it out first.
We grow up being told what to do, where to go next, what to want and how to be. Our environment doesn’t support us finding ourselves and so we get so good at doing the things that are prescribed to us by our parents, school,religion, culture and society. With time we lose touch of our true selves and forget who we really are and what we want.
So when someone, anyone say for example a curious person like me shows up in our lives and tells us, “I want to support you in getting everything you really want. How can I do that?” We are caught unawares.
We start to think to ourselves “Really, that would be nice. But right now I’m just trying to survive and sort out the chaos of being thrown out into the real world without a parachute to safely land. Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you when I’ve figured out this adulting thing.”
So we keep keeping on with life the way we were told it's supposed to be. We watch others live amazing lives and secretly wonder “what does she have that I don’t.”
Well here is the answer. She stopped doubting and started believing. She simply stopped waiting.
Most of us are not living the lives we are truly meant to live because we are still waiting.
We’re waiting for permission…..because we’ve been taught that what we want isn’t as important as what other people want from us and they need to approve of our wants.
We’re waiting for perfection…..because being a woman just isn’t good enough unless of course you have the perfect body, the perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect marriage, perfect job and perfect resume etc.
We’re waiting for certainty…….because dare you do what you want and fail to conform to society’s expectations
We’re waiting for rescue…….because someone else should and will do it for us, I mean what are husbands for? Right?
We’re waiting for discovery…….because we are all supposed to be sleeping beauties waiting for our own prince charming to find us, give us that magic kiss and then whisk us away to his castle where we can live happily ever after and never have to do anything to get what we want.
A few weeks ago as I listened to one of my mentors Shanel Imonitie teach at a live workshop, something incredible happened to me. Among the many exercises we did at the workshop, one was to write down 100 desires. That’s right, 100 things we wanted to fully trust God to provide for us.
So I grabbed my pen and wrote out my desires. But I only got to 20 before I ran out of things to want. And that’s the problem. We don’t dream big enough. We don’t ask for what we want enough.
We limit ourselves too much because we’ve been taught that as women, we have to shrink, make ourselves small and not be too ambitious like Chimamanda alludes in her famous we should all be feminists talk.
So there, I caught myself playing small again,allowing my but to be too big again. And that was the moment I said enough is enough and so I’m I. That was the moment I stopped waiting and started asking for what I truly want trusting that as long as I believe, God will fulfill my heart’s true desires.
Eventually I wrote my complete list of 100 desires and that sparked something new in me. Possibility. All things are possible to those who believe. That’s it. That’s all I needed to remember to stop making my buts bigger than my desires.
So here is my question to you, do you know what you really want? I mean what you want. Not what your parents, boyfriend, husband, mentor, friends,boss or other people want for you or from you. What you want.
If you don’t, grab a piece of paper and pen and start writing. And don’t you dare stop until you’ve written your first 100 desires. And once you’ve done that, put on some music and celebrate yourself because you’ve already won half the battle.
And if you feel a little courageous, pick one desire and make it your big bold goal for 2017. Then go for it. Do one thing, just one thing every single day to move you closer to achieving that goal. And if you get stuck, if you feel alone, if that same old feeling of self doubt comes back and you start feeling like you can’t do it, guess what. You won’t be alone.
I’ll be right here. Sharing my journey with you. Doing all I can to support you because I also had to be supported to get here. I didn’t get here on my own and I wouldn’t want you to feel like you have to do it alone. You don’t.
It’s easier, more fun and more exciting when you’ve got support. Someone who has your back no matter how crazy that thing you want is. Someone who gets it. Someone who believes in you on those days you don’t really believe in yourself. My mentors, my family and my husband are my someone’s and I’d like to be yours if you let me.Plus I’m in the market for new friendships.
I’ll be here, writing every week to remind you that you are loved, what you want matters, you are worth it and that you are fully supported. Not just by me, but by a larger more powerful force that wants nothing else but for you to have everything you want so you can truly be happy.
And if you choose to work with me privately in my I Am Enough Programs, I will love those deepest, darkest and shameful parts of your past or present that make you think you are not worthy or you are not enough so you have to hide who you truly are. I will support you in healing those painful wounds that are holding you back and keeping you stuck where you don’t want to be so you can finally give yourself permission to do what makes you happy.
Because I believe that every woman, no matter what part of the world she lives in, deserves to experience a life that deeply resonates with her true desires for love, wealth and happiness.And that’s my life’s work. That’s my purpose. That’s my vision. That’s what I came to this world to do.And that’s why starting over seduces me to write more,live more, dream bigger, love harder, go deeper, heal,be more real and serve women better.
Happy new year to you and looking forward to getting to know you, serve you and support you this year in achieving one of your biggest wildest dreams.
If you like this blog post. Please share with a sister or two. Even 10. Nothing is more powerful than women supporting women. And do share your thoughts with me in the comments below. I read them all.